Political Preoccupations and Preoccupations of the Heart

Today in the news Israel is still being condemed  for boarding a flotilla on its way to Gaza, the oil is still gushing,  and North Korea remains a threat for South Korea.   On the exterior it is these issues which seem to occupy or preoccupy my dad on a day to day basis.  At The Good Earth Resteraunt tonight dad seats himself next to Tom and eagerly discusses the issues of the day, especially Israel.  Only Tom is allowed to answer or argue with him.  He has become more sexist since his stroke and directs his conversations to the men in the room.
 At times I feel like I could slip away and not be noticed.  I wonder at those times if mom has any perception of her social isolation and inability to share. Tonight she didn't seem aware of her surroundings and stared at arm chair handles, the sky, and Griff's dirty hands.  She also looked at dad as he inhaled a chocolate malted in a rather messy manner.  He on the other hand,  had no awareness that he was consuming 800 plus calories and a burger and chips as well.  His shirts are getting tight around his gut and now I know exactly why.   Sararosa kept hitting my leg and asking if Zayde knew it was dinner and if it was safe for him to eat so much.  I didn't even try to suggest that he eat less because his response would have been defensive.

It hurts to reflect on what is really going through my head at these dinners together.  I wonder what the children think of their grandparents; I wonder if mom understands what is going on with her;  I wonder if my husband will care for me if this happens to me;  I wonder if dad will have a heart attack from his horrible diet.  

On the interior my dad is preoccupied with mom's happiness and well being.  He asks me if the geriatric psychiatrist has any medications to further help mom's memory.  He asks me every time I see him if mom looks better or if he did a good job grooming her or ordering her food.  She used to dote on him and now the roles are reversed.   In private he talks of how cruel the disease is and how helpless he feels.  He does not sleep well at night but denies he has much on his mind. 

It is the issues of the day, the politics and the drama of the gulf oil spill or health care reform that keep him going and I bet he feels like the smart engaging person he has always been.  But I know all too well, from personal experience,  the forced smile,  the division of your mind between your hurt and trying to stay engaged and positive, and the need to minimize problems and deny your hurt.   An exhausting way to live but for now it seems to be a way he can get by and have a semblance of a normal life on a day to day basis.